Weds 12 November
34th Birthday Party at Jumbo's Clown Room- friendly neighborhood strip joint on Hollywood Blvd. near Western. An old school go-go bar- The Baby Doll Lounge (pre-Guiliani) its NYC counterpart. This diary a gift from Mitsunori & Taaka. A gift of a lap dance in the fantasy booth by Lizzie as Ben in eyeline just above Lizzie's left Butt Cheek. He's been out for 2 days.

Thurs 13 November
Not enough sleep 10am art school class. Wearing red panties a birthday gift form Benji. One car I stay at home cranky in the evening. Forget to eat. Ben orders a pizza from Domino's. Trouble with my television watching. The X-files remind Ben of his stay in the psych ward.

Fri 14 November
I lieu of editing I must perform many errands in preparation for a trip east. Nicole P's B-Day party at Jacl's sugar Shack @ Hollywood $ Vine. No boozing just coke-a cola. We give Nicole a phallic and spiky catus. The doorman says be careful with that thing. Ben & I split early. Go on a date to the Astro-Burger in Silverlake.

Sat 15 November
Further affirmation of relationship commitment. A cold & rainy day el Niño? We sleep in make love buy winter clothes eat soup and make love more. Have a seven am call next morning.

Sun 16 November
Catherine shoot eleven hours then home. If still in LA next year: get a room at Chateau Marmont Gramercy Park Art Show (as a Gallery) Ben Suggests: Hans 500. I think PO mail order Hollywood Post Office Hans 500 Productions DBA.

Mon 17 November
Shoot day again. Not so good tensions high on set DP a monster, children & chaos. Ben & I work sound & misc. art dept. duies together. Benji freaking from stress but we make it through. My flight @1am we are packed and ready. Hans nervous from the suitcase. Me nervous about my Dad's condition and if he will make it through.

Tues 18 November
Flight a nightmare. Sleep the 2 hours to Dallas. Then wander around American terminal for an hour then reboard with a hoard of Texas corporate types. No room for serious sleeping. Cranky again but relatively peaceful. Immediate impressions of NYC changes: Newark bus covered windows blocking panoramic views, bus stops at Grand Central ($3. Fare increase) NY Times and Daily News in color. Grand Central bathroom in the basement, new east wall staircase (no more Kodak photograph)

Weds 19 November
Well retsed due to Tues. afternoon jet lag nap & full night's sleep. At hospital all day with Mom, Dad & Rob. Mom goes home for a break (to have wine) doctors change surgery plans due to low platelet level & dad discharged. We wait for Mom to return with Dad's clothes and after ten hour day go back to Hastings. Take my niece Jennifer to see Boogie Nights. Tell her I live just north of the Valley. Don't tell her about my work in the porno biz.

Thurs 20 November
Depression of Hastings weighs heavily upon my fresh out of bed body. Problems with washing machine. Drink 4 cups of espresso, then an Advil to relieve first day menstrual cramps. Wait until mid afternoon for first cigarette on smoke-out day. Mom drives to NYC train. Change of schedule sit a long time on cold cement bench snapping b/w photos waiting for Metro-North train. My butt gets cold. Go out to clubby bars with Mary whole lotta fun. Pass out on Mary's couch.

Fri 21 November
4pm I get a phone call at Mary's. My father died at about 3:30pm perhaps a bit earlier. I took the Metro-North train back to Hastings. It was quick- a massive coronary. He felt no pain like a lightning bolt. All beyond the saddest sadness especially for my Mom who found him face down on the kitchen floor.

Sat 22 November
There is little recollection of this day. I look through happy photos- photos of happy times. The neighbors bring Baked Ziti, Ben arrives from California and we get lost in scary Queens near my Dad's old neighborhood en route from the airport. Sister-in-law Jean says Dad's car was taking us where it wanted to go.

Sun 23 November
Today is my Dad's Birthday. A day off as we wait for the Catholic mourning process to begin. We go to my storage space(Ben & I) it is late, I cannot make sense of the space and we are about to get locked in. Difficulty sleeping scared to see my Dad's body.

Mon 24 November
It feels like somebody else's movie. The embalmed/stuffed made-up body. I stare at my Dad. At first it's not him until the eyeglasses are put on. His hands are at peace, his mouth set tense, wrong, a string from his chin to hold the flesh, drill holes by his eyes, it's not him. It's all that's left. With that string and the brown make-up I think he looks more like a Thanksgiving turkey than my father, but I could never say that to any of them.

Tues 25 November
I cannot stay at the funeral home standing in a line with my family facing the coffin and leave an hour early in the afternoon, missing the parade of uniformed police officers. No longer do I keep the picture of me, Mom & Dad at my 7th grade "Confirmation" clutched in my hand: my living father as I know him. He is dead now and I loved him very very much.

Weds 26 November
The funeral today 10am we ride in limos my Dad would have wanted this formality. Also a very special police escort and 84 cars in the procession. My father was well loved by many people not just his family. I stare at the body before the coffin lid is closed. The flowers removed I wanted to see the lid closing but not allowed. I never touched his dead body once. My mom is holding up well.

Thurs 27 November
Thanksgiving dinner I cook it for my mother. Extremely chaotic in the house my Dad would have been happy with his brother & his kids here. Brother Steven & family @ my parents house for the first time in ten years. Dad would have been smiling. But no more birthday party and baseball cards my father is with us only in spirit. He is safe and at peace now.

Fri 28 November
We awake in Phideaux's bed after too little sleep and much unfulfilled horniness. Ben's mental state a bit tenuous with strangeness of my Lower East Side friends. Drink coffee and read comic books. I contemplate our inevitable return. Visit Hotel 17, wander around the gray streets, take the Lexington Avenue IRT.

Sat 29 November
Ride to Tower Air from cousins Jack and Marilyn wondering if he and my Mom will sell my father's business and Jack's property and what will come of my brother Tom who tries so hard and is so often misunderstood. 8am easy flight, we eat chicken sandwiches from Hastings and spend the evening in the trailer park making love.

Sun 30 November
Attempt to edit, edge numbers are wrong must return to ITECH guy to fix. Coffee with Naomi chatty chatty Birthday gift of Berlin Wall complete with barbed wire floating in resin from Sandro & Amanda. Pissed about the film another detour but quite fixable. Ben a bad day at work -psycho mood. I fall asleep. He stays awake.

Mon 1 December
And the rent is due. Mom and Dad sent a birthday $250. Money order with xerox articles citing successes of heart surgery-cannot bear to read them - he never made to the table. My dad died at his Service Station the Weds. Morning he was admitted to the hospital. Would he have lived if the surgery had not been postponed? Or did he know that either way he would not make it?

Tues 2 December
Am missing editing time and becoming progressively more angry. Home from school at 1:30 or so and the rest of the day gone. After awhile of talking then 4pm doctor's visit, then trips to pharmacy for higher dose of meds- doctor has requested that I stay home tonight with Ben. Wash dishes, sweep floor, dye hair, read two weeks of newspapers and write.

Weds 3 December
Calling caterers job search holiday time $20, in bank after rent payment (sans Ben's contribution) must pay car insurance etc… Stay at home last night after Ben's psychotic episode then to doctor today to emergency room 4 hours waiting then Behavioral Health Unit (i.e. the Psych Ward) I'm tired, tired of this, Tired of tending to a mental patient with no coping skills. He can sit there and rot.

Thurs 4 December
Today is my busy class day at school. Nine to twelve, then one to four. Show Mistress Samantha Diet Doctor in "Prostitute's Ear" class. It is well received (later chatted up at the Rendezvous) Margaret Morgan gave it a Lacanian reading. School winds down. Will show super-8 footage from the 1996 cross country Greyhound bus trip (in Jame's class next week) Wearing chaps- feel like got a part of my old self back.

Fri 5 December
Brought Ben clean clothing and guitar last night. Stayed for fifteen minutes only due to previously booked seven pm edit time. Ben waits in his room for me, not as paranoid as last stay. I tell him that I am not coming for a couple of days- that I must take care of my mental health. No cards, flowers or gifts. He wants me to stay longer: sobbed a bit about it on the telephone this orning. Slow going, but all day till midnight editing. Out to dinner with Hilary & Chris.

Sat 6 December
Up late last night. Eight AM request from Ben to come to hospital for eleven AM family group. Am sleepy, get up at ten-fifteen make some calls then off to session- not a group at all but more like couples counseling with a twelve-step therapist. She was quite good after obligatory "higher power" rant: the words "higher power" stated twelve times in the first twelve minutes. Art Direction planning with Deepika and Marie, editing until eleven PM.

Sun 7 December
Sweep sweep sweep. After three days @ Movilola & Steenbeck, take a break putting house in order. Ben's apapers stacked, organized, away. My junk shelves cleared out. Fridge: old food away & begin defrost. Ten dollars worth of laundry. Pasta & tequila in the afternoon at Naomi's. Brief phone call to Ben I'm not going there anymore. I'm tired of being told I'm strong (tough) tired of manipulative passive/aggressive psycho abuse then calling me abusive.

Mon 8 December
Oversleep lock keys in house grab them through window late for AVID test out session before running over. Teacher wants me to take an incomplete due to lost time and my explanations for lost time-this okay. As I am writing this a week later and cannot remember so much about this day I check my datebook: 1-6 edit on Steenbeck, 6pm visit Ben, 7pm Tom's film & politics class: watched Orson Welles' It's All True I left during the break.

Tues 9 December
A busy day of errands and nonsense. Therapy at 11AM- mostly just support- perhaps I ask why why why my personal life and what what what this personal debt and how how how to proceed. Student rally about yearly tuition increases I am vocal and angryat what I perceive to be inadequate fundraising on the part of administrators. Meeting with Berenice, catering job interview in Canyon Country, AVID Lab, visit Ben, visiting artist Monte Hellman Two Lane Blacktop, arrive Piru Square cinema screening late- miss my piece.

Weds 10 December
Slightly drunken and trouble sleeping last night. Chris gave ma a ride home and I have no transportation here so Andy picks me up to go to school and we eat burgers and fries at the bowling alley. Thom tries to change my whole film to make it a better film though he does not know exactly how. I am a bit down thinking my film a failure. Then feeling better when editing though feeling a bit foggy and very much alone.

Thurs 11 December
Classes all day 9-3:30 or so with no break. S-8 movies of Greyhound bus trip and NYC (summer 1996) Adam’s film of our Taco Bell wedding. Ben to be discharged today nervous I am. Turns out okay. Go to art opening and work on FAX for job in library. Home around 11:30 pm. Ben awake. We make love. Scary @first don’t remember much long build-up good quick pump we need to practice more the meds.

Fri 12 December
Now it is Monday morning as I write this. I go to school to edit Ben goes to outpatient group meeting in an office building by the freeway. The cuts and transitions become smoother. I make peace with the movie. Visit with Phideaux another rough cut of screening. Sam’s fabulous X-MAS party with strippers (Santa pulls down his G-string) & an X-MAS revue from Dragstrip 66. Lots of Cabernet Sauvignon. I wear my ski outfit. Ben & I dance.

Sat 13 December
A day off. Home late and then up until 5am lovemaking. It gets better we explore. Ben comes in my mouth: usually that makes him uncomfortable. Perhaps it was all the drag queens and buff men in tight clothes that freed him up. Perhaps it was my almost sober statement:" I am going to suck you off." It was either that or get fucked in the ass which I enjoy quite a bit. We laze around the house then we go to the movies in Northridge. We make love some more and go to sleep.

Sun 14 December
Today I go to school to edit and Ben stays home. He buys a curtain rod but does not out it up. My film becoming more confident and ever smoother. We fight most of the evening: I am angry when I get home totally drained, exhausted and hungry and I tell him that he has contempt for my work and that he is lazy. Why can’t he ever just make dinner or do anything without being asked by me to do it? I clean the house and he brings me an old cold cheeseburger and fries: fast food yuk.

Mon 15 December
We make up for awhile and then Ben does not want me to write in this journal and/or he wants to read it, as his mother read all of his diaries. I take the diary to school. I edit. We are supposed to meet for coffee at school. Ben wants to come there. He is nervous & says he cannot stay. Then says he’s come right back then says he cannot stay. We meet for dinner. He is about to cry throughout the whole meal. Does not know what to order is panicky though we’re getting along-it’s not because of us. He brings me a gift- it is broken.

Tues 16 December
Again I am editing. Ben goes to outpatient partial hospitalization program then I go to school. He shows up at school & wants to sit with me as I work. Okay. I’m working. He is angry yelling:’’I come first! You’d have no career if it weren’t for me!’’ He’s paranoid about someone who knocks at the door looking for someone. I tell him to leave, to stop picking a fight with me. I make him get out & say come on we’ll go home and fuck if that’s what you want. Now I am feeling crazy. Ben has crawled under the rewind table to lay down with Hans.

Weds 17 December
This week has been hell. Ben & I make love he feels heavy sedated. Heavy dead weight on top of me. Tuesday night when I got home everything okay. I cook dinner. Take one of his anti-anxiety pills (Atavan) and we both fall asleep. No fighting. Everything calm like the psych ward. Tonight lovemaking difficult. A few orgasms okay but no feeling. Intercourse a few thrusts, he pulls out to prolong it but come unknowingly. He wants me to feel like I used to, for us to do things like we used to, but there’s not much to talk about. I like to watch television. Ben’s transmission falls out on McBean Pkwy.

Thurs 18 December
What is this day? I don’t remember so much. Imagine I cooked dinner again. Left school early. Every night since Sunday we fight except when medicated. I have difficulty sleeping, make some new drawings, insomnia with visions of my father in the coffin. Ben sleeps. He has said he will cook for me, but he does not, he is not able to do anything. I am not Florence Nightingale. I love another man who used to inhabit the same body. I am not happy. I am trying, but there is too much stress.

Fri 19 December
Worked 5 days editing & take a break today. Coffee with Naomi & Gerardo. Ben wants to be included, but he has to go to group. He has forgotten about his night groups this week. I offer to go with him next week. Meet with Deepika then come home around 3. Ben sleeps, I sew, he wakes up disoriented, and we go to Don Cucos. I get $1000. extra scholarship money from my department. Ben cannot complete sentences, hates his group. WE leave Don Cucos early. We are not getting along. I cry.

Sat 20 December
Very rough night, difficulty sleeping. Much crying: miss my father, I want out of this home-life with someone who belongs in a mental hospital. Ben shakes all morning, is afraid to go to the bathroom in a public restroom. WE buy an X-MAS tree & tomorrow to get a Menorah. He says he is sick. Is hunched over like stoned on heroin except he’s shaking. WE call the hospital & I take him there. I am sad and know he’s not coming back this time. I feel guilty that I cannot take care of him.

Sun 21 December
I am sad. Fell asleep watching B/W movie "In Cold Blood" as the X-Mas tree lights twinkled. Woke up okay this morning.
Mary says: "Ben is sick I should not try & rationalize the things he says. I should not feel guilty. He has an illness. What expectations I have for a relationship are valid but not for someone who is sick. Of course he can’t do anything." I do not have the skills to handle Ben @ home. Ben says this house is not stable. He wanted me to stay home with him. I used to so that and it did not help his mental state & I became resentful. It’s not my illness.

Mon 22 December
Believe that today was the day that I finally got to talk to the doctor. Had his secretary or service gotten my call would this ever have been possible? He looked like the head pig in Animal Farm (The Stalin character???) Basically he said that negative stress at home & the death of my father are the cause of Ben’s condition. How about the fact that he sent someone home weeks ago when they should not have left the hospital? Like why didn’t the doctor return my call 6 weeks ago?

Tues 23 December
Have been editing full steam ahead though now crying fits and at time screaming & feeling as if I lost my man forever. The Mother makes plans to get him to the airport behind my back. I will not speak to her again. She is condescending & manipulative & treats us both like children. Ben & I wait for a family meeting and the therapist never shows up. I go to an X-MAS party full of Silverlake Bohos & performance art types. Tom wears a 1970’s wig & a bathrobe. We all drink Jim Beam & Coke & some tweaker at Cheetah’s threatened us with a broken cocktail glass.

Weds 24 December
Sleep until 3pm though had talked on the phone from bed a couple of times. JK tries to get me a ticket to SF through his airline job, but it’s not possible. Consider driving there tonight though would like to be back Friday to go to the airport with Ben- his Mom’s cousin driving & I understand that maybe he won’t want to go unless there’s some old people taking him. We visit for awhile tonight & it is good that is except for the annoying psycho woman who wrecked our privacy. I am eating only pizza.

Thurs 25 December
I sleep in the mornings. Have been painting again. It helps the pain. Go to the hospital @ 2 in the afternoon. Wanted to buy Ben hat & gloves for his trip but all stores closed at 6pm last night. Andy takes me to Maureen’s house & upon arrival I nearly burst into tears but then toughen up. All night eating & drinking with the film school faculty, James, Harmut etc... many bottles of wine. All out bezerkness, then to some gay bar in Venice & sleep during car ride home. Naomi & Gerardo go to Disneyland & Naomi shoplifts souvenirs. Andy liked the blue sweater I bought him.

Fri 26 December
Break down on the phone with my Mom. Meant to wish her a Happy Birthday but slightly hysterical. Ammer calms me down. Slept in till two or so. I tried so hard to help Ben to make a life for himself. When I stopped allowing his illness to have power over my action… he lost it. He’s going home tonight where his family & the good doctors will take care of him. Packed his knapsack- he was all paranoid about what I put in. Gave him hat & gloves. I’m stuck with all his shit in my house.

Sat 27 December
More painting-seven in total. Phone message from Ben’s Mom. I return no calls and unplug telephone. Sit @flatbed for a couple of hours but feeling effects of not eating properly and smoking cigarettes in lieu of food. Cook brown rice, greens & tofu & take 2000 mg of Vitamin C and St. John’s Wort. I feel sick in my mind and seeing the late-night convenience sore guy puts me near tears. One pack of cigarettes only. I go there alone. Ben’s Mom leaves me his phone number. I do not call. Let him call me or not.

Sun 28 December
Preparing for Deepika’s shoot. Am confused over changing script & too much time- Have to pare it down etc… check on PA’s.. Talk to brother Steven okay until he says that I should not be angry –there are times when his mind has been altered or something & he had to go home to family or something? I say I know what some things are like too: I’ve heard voices, I’ve seen things, I‘ve had a lot of problems & been in therapy for _ my life. But Ben lies to his doctors etc… as if he doesn’t want to get better. Talking to my brother screws up my head. There are so many ways that we do not know each other and I never want to. I cry a bit, then wash the floor to feel better.

Mon 29 December
Painting goes well. Colors are bright and fun. Thinking about a staple gun but that is rhyming. Keep the telephone unplugged now and the answer machine too. Thinking of buying a rug and getting Ben’s stuff (things) out of here. Do I complicate my life? Do I hate myself? Did I really drive him crazy? Try to relax. Eat macrobiotic food watch Beevis & Butthead then my movie thinking about the titles, credits & the next edits.

Tues 30 December
I AM SAD I AM SO SAD MY LIFE IS SAD MY SKIN IS SAD MY LUNGS ARE SAD MY HOUSE IS SAD MY BREASTS ARE SAD MY LIPS ARE SAD MY VAGINA IS SAD MY FILM IS SAD MY PAINTINGS ARE SAD MY DOG IS SAD THE TRAILER PARK IS SAD THE XMAS TREE IS SAD FROSTY THE SNOWMAN IS SAD. I WANT TO DIE.

Weds 31 December
Ben calls the other night and I do not pick up the phone. He calls again what day cannot remember and I say ‘take care’ and hang up. Perhaps I was mean when I said: "I had the telephone number already." Call my Mom to wish her a Happy Birthday & a Happy New Year & the get hysterical 1st talking about phone call with my brother. My sister calms me down. Perhaps Ben brought me closer to my family. My sister now a real ‘big sister.’ Of course all along my Mom has wanted me to come back home for a bit but I’ve refused.

Thurs 1 January
My sister has wisdom now. That’s what I meant to continue this day with. I love her very much. I went to Thom’s New Year’s party and it was really mellow. All of my teachers are crazy and I love them too. Then to Echo Park to end of another party already over with scattered inebriated forty-somethings. My school chum - the designated driver is drunk and tripping on mushrooms. We park and watch the lights of the Santa Clarita Valley below.

Fri 2 January
Talked to Ben yesterday I called him. Sent off a box of his music to the hospital as he had requested took down X-MAS tree & dragged to front stoop. Doorway looks like a forest- I will plant it in Naomi's yard when she returns from Mexico. Everyday is sad but I do not want to die. Writing on laptop from Deepika. Have been working on a short story for Scratchy Mind Chatter.

Sat 3 January
Move furniture from Valencia to Glendale for shoot. Get stucjk in rain & traffic en route to City of Industry. Big lunch at Mexican chain restaurant & take home package to eat for next couple of days. Do not eat so much anymore. Believe that I've dropped almost ten pounds in past month. Thinking about joining gym. Breathing a sigh of relief finally.

Sun 4 January
Finish up "Scratchy" story & 'zine will be complete when funding comes in. Did not get NYC grant but other $ in its place. Fix sync on scenes 18 & 19 of film: takes a long time then flatbed turns itself on (or torque motor aftershock) & picture becomes spaghetti. Andy takes me out to the Garage, some gay bar, Cheetah's (my request) & Fred 62. Come home & watch a movie.

Mon 5 January
Sleep until noon: a good eight hours rest. Buy some props, pick up CalArts check, figure out edit sequence (make a detailed list) for 2nd half of film, send email to Mary who's feeling down. Get a phone message from Ben's Mom that he will be in hospital for 3 weeks then to halfway house, she says other dumb stuff (like Ben cannot & has not talked to me himself?) I pack up all his things & will arrange to move them tomorrow.

Tues 6 January
Finish packing up his stuff. Make arrangements to deal with his broken down truck & storage of his personal belongings at cousin's in Encino. Had been fantasizing about moving, but choose to change telephone number instead. Will change and become unpublished on the 15th of January. (coincidentally? his birthday) Phideaux comes up to visit. We have Thai food and a few hours talking and I feel that we are long close friends. Perhaps I had forgotten how much we had shared together for many years.

Weds 7 January
Moving day. The cousin tells me over the phone that what I am doing is abandonment. I reply that the past seven months have been hell and who abandoned who here? (I am sobbing into the receiver) Ben is a 28 year old child mental illness or no mental illness. I just want his things to be safe. She says that she will take his stuff because she is family. I reply, "Well, I'm not." Oh yeah, her first question: Do you know what you're doing?… then it's abandonment. Andy comes with me to Encino, protects me from the witch by distracting her with small talk-then he lets me use his triple A for Ben's truck.

Thurs 8 January
Sleepily register for school 9AM. SNAP @ the financial people for making me wait on line when I've already been cleared. Chris & I went to see Jackie Brown last night & it got out at somewhere close to 1 AM. I'd wanted to meet him at the theater & he insisted on picking me up which was really sweet. Felt strange to be picked up at my door by a straight guy. I suddenly felt very alone.

Fri 9 January
Yesterday after registration went to Glendale to do some fine tuning on the house & plant set up for today's shoot. The rainy day fucked up the schedule & the day got behind, though it was productive and seemed positive for all. Today was a work work work day & no time for anything besides shoot. Felt good. Came home sleepy though I am not relaxed at night. Also no sex drive at all.

Sat 10 January
Wishing that I had a sex drive. No desire to masturbate though perhaps I have tried once or twice in the past three weeks or so. A little stress in the set today. Also, spent about 3 hours doing noting and this drives me nuts. Started reading a Toni Morrison novel, tried to sleep @ shoot but had just drank a big cup of coffee. I keep the answer machine turned off.

Sun 11 January
As I write this on January 22
I may or may not have been on the shoot this day as the lack of things to do is driving me nuts. Feeling as if my time would be better spent elsewhere. Now I remember: I left early with the costume woman. Her father tells the story of my "peach butt" in the "First date" video. Not to her though I mean. I hear it later from Rich. Go to the Home Depot & buy cheap "oopsy" paint for my house. Decide to stay here.

Mon 12 January
The first day of school and I am feeling like a freak. Go home after German class, change my clothes & feel better. Had a meeting with another class and got the feeling that the people will annoy me all semester but the teacher is good and worth it. Feeling like a loser. Perhaps this is why I’m annoyed easily. With free time I think about killing myself but it’s too self-indulgent.

Tues 13 January
Is death the ultimate performance? Perhaps entertain thoughts of dying to further career. Meaning, if I die now, perhaps I will get my fifteen seconds quicker…Thought I was dying in 1994 (1993?) perhaps this is when my work started to improve. When I met Ben in 1994, I no longer wanted to die. Wanted to live with (for) him. Is this sick or what?

Weds 14 January
No classes today. Ran to the house in Glendale for a couple of hours. Will work on shoot again tomorrow. Write about the shoot because it’s listed in my date book & when cannot remember what I’ve done, check there first. The house is lonely. It is messy. Installing a heater, the guy cuts a hole in the wall, puts the monstrosity against the biggest chunk of free space: breaks it up.

Thurs 15 January
Shoot again. Miss screenwriting class, but do a bunch of scribble writing. Wish for a mild sedative. Go to the lab after shoot to watch dailies cause I don’t have a vehicle today. Unfortunately the was a lighting problem & the shots look bad. It has nothing to do with me, yet I am embarrassed. Drink a cup of hot chocolate, get a bag of free film cores. Feeling like a loser again.

Fri 16 January
Am I unprofessional? Am I a loser? Or just insecure? Was I in an abusive- a psychologically abusive relationship where I was manipulated by someone who felt inadequate & dragged me down or was I the wicked abuser they all claimed? Who is they, sorry. Ben must have told them stuff- otherwise why would they want to keep me from him? Why did his mother treat me like a child, why didn’t Ben trust me & the doctor ignore me?

Sat 17 January
Perhaps in July I knew that there was no hope for our marriage when Ben turned on me in the psychiatrist’s office. I had gone many times for support & waited in the car. This time the doctor had planned to see me (his request) I told him that our sex life was miserable due to the drugs & that all Ben was doing was working on the mall. Nothing creative. Also that the…

Sun 18 January
doctor had lied to us in May, saying the the drug wasn’t the cause of sexual dysfunction, it was psychological & when we had looked up the drug on the internet & in books, it was written that the drug had sexual side effects. Ben said that it was his choice to work in the mall & not create. He acted like everything was okay cause he was there with the doctor wearing his special "going to the doctor" shoes and being "on his best behavior." He didn’t like my talking back to the doctor. He stopped seeing him.

Mon 19 January
I’m mad now and have to change the subject. Perhaps will write more about the doctor’s visit & my husband the traitor, the psychologically heart wrenching manipulator, The doctors won. I’m changing the subject now. Left the shoot early Friday evening, then edited until 3AM or so. John in from San Francisco. WE spend the day driving around LA streets: his grandmother’s old street, Chinatown ( I buy dishes, we take Neoprints) then to IKEA in Burbank. Relaxing.

Tues 20 January
Radiator leaks in Glendale Sunday. Put that silver stuff in side the radiator & eat a nasty piece of pizza in a dirty place on Glendale Blvd. Come home and start painting the kitchen red. The paint sucks. It’s cheap-went to Walmart out of laziness & got what I paid for $8-a- gallon. Adam’s birthday party Sunday night at the Rendezvous. Am very aware that I am single: think people are looking at @ me and talking to me cause I’m alone. I do not like this. I watch this guy dancing by himself. I know he's Adam's roommate but I don’t know his name.

Weds 21 January
Edit all day though not as productive as usual cause there’s people all over the school and many distractions. Making phone calls about titles: way too $$$ to have a lab do them. Perhaps will do on the computer. Party Montage almost finished complications cutting the music scenes- so much good footage. Finding music for the rest of the film-Lots of little details. Preparing for trip to San Francisco.

Thurs 22 January
This morning I awoke form a bad dream (nightmare?) with a flu-like headache and the beginnings of a sore throat. Perhaps the lack of heat- the new gas heater not working correctly no matter how many times the guys try to fix it. I have finally switched it off and given up on it. Have finally gotten the house sensible. Took out the green chair & tulip lamp (they make me Sad) then brought them back in (from the van) The dream occurred between 10:30 & when I finally got out of bed at noon: Ben comes to see me and I’m the one who’s "in" this time- Look at my wrist: the hospital…

Fri 23 January
ID bracelet on my wrist is not like his from today but mine when I was four years old: you know the skinny kind that has the metal clasp. Now I’m thinking maybe it was from the time when I was in the hospital at 19, because in my waking (awake) state, now I look down @ the space for religion and it says "none." So Ben & I walk to a dirt parking lot & he drives off in a green early seventies or late sixties beat up Cutless. Who’s car I ask? Andrew’s he replies. (Ben once got mad @ me cause I took him to see a play where I’d had sex with the actor playing the lead. His name was Andrew.)

Sat 24 January
TODAY IS MY "DAY OFF" I TRY NOT TO GO SHOPPING BUT GO SHOPPING ANYWAY. 1ST TO THE SALVATION ARMY IN CANYON COUNTRY TNEN RHINO RECORDS IN WESTWOOD WITH ANDY. I PLANT DAISIES IN THE GARDEN & TRANSPLANT THE CACTUS LISTENING TO TECHNO. DO NOT PAINT THE HOUSE OR WASH THE FLOOR- IT IS MY DAY OFF. REWRITING XMAS 95 JOURNAL ON THE LAPTOP, WATCH SOME TELEVISION, READ THE PLAY ‘NIGHT OF JANUARY 16 BY AYN RAND.FINISHED.

Sun 25 January
I AM OFTEN SAD AND CANNOT SLEEP @ NIGHT. GOOD LOVEMAKING HAS ALWAYS BEEN A TONIC FOR MY NERVES, RESTLESSNESS, INSOMNIA, I LAY IN BED AWAKE REMEMBERING AN 8PM CUP OF COFFEE ERROR. COMPOSING LETTERS TO BEN IN MY HEAD HAVING MADE UP CONVERSATIONS I FANTASIZE ABOUT ANONYMOUS SEX WITH THE KID AT PETSMART & PHONE SEX WITH FORMER LOVERS I MASTURBATE COMING OVER & OVER BUT IT IS NOT OUT OF DESPERATION BUT SADNESS I MISS BEN'S TOUCH.

Mon 26 January
All Mondays are filled with nonsense. Late for German class due to rain & car problems. Van stalls in middle of Lyons Ave/Newhall Ave intersection. Stalls again 2 times in parking lot though engine warm. Too much rain, get to school spilling my coffee on frantic turn. Evening class then a couple of hours of sound work. My house is a mess.

Tues 27 January
Believe van crapped out the following Monday- all days a blur. Preparing to get a job mentally preparing that is. Thinking about Roger Corman straight to video directing? Must get film finished or almost finished first. Nervous. Lonely. Wishing Ben could have made a life for himself here. Wondering if he blames me or assumes any kind of self-responsibility.

Weds 28 January
Looking back all says the same though know that as soon as they occur they seem so busy, so action-packed. Finishing up picture edit. There are some inconsistencies & I may throw away a couple of scenes. I like the shots though. Am a bit behind schedule, want to have a screening at school at the end of semester Help! Am having troubles being alone. I still miss Ben though don't know who he is.

Thurs 29 January
Mary in LA comes up to Newhall with Tom and we all go to the Rendezvous to see Bianca band. Packed bar all of CalArt's punk rock finest save a few who were boycotting the show.Have many bourbon & cokes with Mary (as not driving) then to Clu's house then to dinner at Denny's- Saugus Café was closed. Clu tells Oliver Stone directing vampire film story & I ask Clu how he can so graphically depict violence if he hasn't killed anyone.

Fri 30 January
Raining. Drained from last night do some work at school what can't remember writing this 3 weeks later. Wait now remember- finished picture edit how much time that has elapsed between then and now. Talk about ellipsis when is it now? Watched Texasville cheesy movie not so good but memorable. I liked the wife. Nutty.

Sat 31 January
Supposed to spend the day in the desert with Mary & Tom but rainiing, raining, raining. Work @ home on some writing finishing up transcribing old journal notes and it keeps raining. Go to Andy's to sit in hot tub misty out gray steamy.. get a ride to LA with some tweaker friends of A's then off to gallery opening free beer Echo Park Cacophony Society dog party then to Andy's bar then home. No Saugus.

Sun 1 February
yYes, fried from sudden change of lifestyle and recollection of the day difficult. Raining raining raining more. More script writing and some telephone talking to old friend and perhaps more more more liking new script idea, outline, some dialogue though no sure direction yet-unsettling.

Mon 2 February
Dear Ben, Although sorry for your "illness" you fucked me over in a very big way and I have no interest in being your friend right now- missed a couple of things packing up your stuff- will send them when I get a chance-M This is the letter that I sent off tonight after 1st therapy session since last year.

Tues 3 February
Went to the movies with Tom, Mary & Sissy- was tired from school and did not want to go out. Van at Bohans- no transportation- so they come here we see Kundun & I consider again becoming a Buddhist. No not tired from school just wanting again to be quiet & alone & working on writing. House smelly & a mess am too sad to clean.

Weds 4 February
Showed James B. my film & he makes some edit suggestions. Getting a bit nervous about the production sound it is a mess. Every day I am angry and/or sad. Angry @ Ben. Sad about my Dad. Sad about Ben. Never angry @ my Dad. My Mom calls the other night (Sunday) and cries for along time. I try to help.

Thurs 5 February
Go back to film & trim some frames & conform print for dissolves. Do not want to do any more picture edit if possible: sound a mess. Go to uneventful art openings, say Hi to Nicole & chat a bit. Come home and pack for SF first trip there in awhile without Ben. I miss him. Feel like I'm a bitch as I stand up for myself. He never said he was sorry after.

Fri 6 February
Flight cancelled due to rain. Believe it has been raining for a week, so sad the rain, the flooding, the van stalling after paying $485. To have it fixed. Bezerk day of chaos, computer problems, work-study hassles, stuck @ school with luggage.Finally a 7 o'clock flight 7:45 then John & Mary meet me at the airport. Mary & I go to Lower Haight Noc Noc bar.

Sat 7 February
ATE DINNER TOO FAST LAST NIGHT- A HAMBURGER. DRANK A LOT OF SAKE- CHEAP SAKE THOUGH BELIEVED IT WOULD GO DOWN EASIER THAN CHEAP WINE CAUSE IT'S WARM. WENT TO THE MOVIES THIS MORNING (AFTERNOON) SAW FALLEN ANGELS BY WONG KAR WAI. TOTALLY HIP. I LIKE HIP MOVIES. TOM'S EXWIFE'S HOUSE A BEZERK SPEED INDUCED BEER SCENE. SHE BELIEVES SHE'S A HOLLYWOOD MOVIE STAR. SHE ATTACKED A CLUB BOUNCER BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO PAY THE DOOR COVER. THE COPS CAME. A REAL BARROOM BALL OF FUN.

Sun 8 February
Perhaps not enough daily pages to fit all the twisted details of San Francisco. Walked into a stranger's apartment last night' cause I heard a party. A woman screamed when she saw me. Next time the party should lock their door. I thought everyone nuts in SF & it's contagious. Mary seems sanest of her friends. Dinner with John & the Bear Club. Mary's friend breast feeds her 5-year-old and channels tree spirits.

Mon 9 February
Decide to take an earlier flight & end up sittingin the airposrt for 4 hours because Andy got stoned with Naomi & forgot to pick me up. Chris though very very busy, made time to come rescue me. The sun is shining and I read Cosmo cover to cover waiting at Burbank & did not begin to get impatient until after the 2nd hour. Late start working. Go until 1:30 am with work-study poster job sucky..

Tues 10 February
Saw the pet-store kid at the gas station this morning. He's got a big van kinda like mine, but white and a little longer. I spied @ him from behind the pump. He wouldn't notice anyway cause I'm an old lady. Sound class canceled & spent afternoon working on film credits. The studio's a mess. I stuck my hand into some sticky half-dry Hans pee.

Weds 11 February
Perhaps getting back on some kind of track but so much chaos. Van still not running well. Pulling hard to the right & running too fast but wanting to stall. So much for my psychic connection with the vehicle… Go to therapy but only for survival not too deep. Perhaps needing a psychic. Meeting with Berenice today stresses the importance of good film sound. CalArts days coming to a close.

Thurs 12 February
Take Andy to the airport today- drive his car and it is truly a joy- a stable vehicle. Make an appointment for final sound mix with the top guy. Working in MacLab on video jacket & in video studio on sound for Exhibition short. Perhaps this film hiatus gives me time to tie up other loose ends. Music for film coming together. Sign up studio to complete video compilation perhaps as early as next week.

Fri 13 February
Hang around school late night like I used to two years ago. I get my Friday nights back. Waiting to talk to sound guy about my mix so messing around with little projects: jacket design for video compilation & fixing up some audio & some titles. Finishing last 'zine the text-print a few copies for Valentine's Day, make a dub for Sam & a zine gift and most times sad though busy. Miss Friday night take-out food, movie, lovemaking.

Sat 14 February
It's Valentine's Day & I will say that since July before July like right after the wedding the lovemaking sucked. It would get good once in awhile but the drugs interfered. And like the past 2 times Ben dumped me, the last lovemaking act involved him coming in my mouth. He was not always into that. He preferred to come inside of me or when we were naughty, pull out and come on my belly.

Sun 15 February
And I never got pregnant thank god. Last night bezerk. Alone at that party I befriended the rowdy queens & entertained them with kinky tales of feet & prosthetics. Of course between me & the only other female guest at the party sat the only straight guy there- a totally loud & obnoxious out of work actor. Touchy feely please hhire me anyone yucky.

Mon 16 February
Ah Monday. At school today a bit though a holiday. Still thinking about Saturday like too crazy out with Tom after Sam's party to Kari's house & bunch of Bohos drinking & to Dragstrip 66 (The Jackie 60 west) The guys were not so appealing but I was considering kissing this one psycho woman- I thought she was flirting with me. I think if I was with a man I would cry because I want Ben back like he was before.

Tues 17 February
Fix titles for video compilation. Will edit in tomorrow then perhaps whole project will be done & ready for dubbing. Super dubbing. Jacket in final stages. Video studio tomorrow night. Much sound work to be done this week & next week on mag. House more in order though van in bad shape. Sore arm trying to fix hose yesterday. Angry at Ben for not accepting any responsibility for his actions. He once told me he does not believe in saying "I'm sorry."

Weds 18 February
Video studio tonight to get my camcorder compilation going. The jacket is almost finished. Somehow it all just happened. What am I going to do with my life? Everything is difficult and I am not excited. That whole "forest for the trees" thing again. I feel like a loser.

Thurs 19 February
Do not have classes on Thursdays. Thought I would be able to get a job, but it's taking me forever to work on my film. This is too much stress time. So much one can do without frying. It's almost over. Now I know the meaning of the word auteur. So what. I'm miserable and lonely.

Fri 20 February
This is the ight I got really drunk and my car @ the shop. Went to Don Cuco's happy hour with Amanda, Hilary & Sandro, then to Doc's, then some open mic thing @school where I was cracking jokes then got put on stage & felt so sad & quiet. Why am I here? I felt all of the sadness of Ben. Everywhere. Fell asleep on Andy's bed.

Sat 21 February
Somehow got my Thursdays mixed up. It was 2 days ago that I went to the Rendezvous with some people. Next Thursday I went alone and then totally felt so so lonely desperate. 2 days ago I worked on the flatbed until 11 or so - missed the opening parties pretty much. Also with next Thursday worked until midnight. Why does everything take so long? Will I ever have money? Why is my new pen dying?

Sun 22 February
Sunday is agood day because the school is quiet. After 3 years am still working all the time. What does anything mean. Would prefer to die I think as I drive home to a cold and empty house. For some ridiculous reason I have suffered my whole life & this is so self-indulgent it's stupid, but it's true. Just when I thought I was happy, it all fell apart.

Mon 23 February
One time walking down North street in Hastings in the sunshine - perhaps 18 or 19 years old- before or after or sometime around my drug OD, I said to myself: "I am happy now, remember this moment always, there is no reason to be happy, but I am for just a second happy in the sunshine walking." This memory keeps me alive sometimes.

Tues 24 February
Have an appointment with my graphic design teacher. She is very encouraging about my video project. Have been working on the titles to film in Afteraffects. Hope it works. So many things. With money perhaps one pays someone right? Why didn't I make any money? All I have are some paintings & not so many of those from last summer. Am very down on myself. Feel cheated by my ex-friend Ben.

Weds 25 February
Frantic day in studios etc… Brother Steve in town & we go have early bird specials at the Saugus Café, then coffee at my house & he takes digital pictures. I cleaned the house, missed an appointment with a teacher, worked on flatbed until late at night. All the days pass. It is cold & windy & the heater is shit.

Thurs 26 February
No recollection of this day though somehow I am always too busy. Thought I saw the guy from the pet store @ the openings tonight. If he's hanging around CalArts, then I am not interested. Have no car, waited for a ride while film school students smoked pot. Went to Rendezvous & drank & told some of my personal history to a stranger.

Fri 27 February
Finished up dubs in video studio, then to Monterrey Park for a dinner that Berenice put together for some students & friends. The food was gross I ate a lot of bread. The idea of having the dinner was sweet though- got to see Simon my DP who was visiting from Korea. He's depressed. Off to a friend of a friend's party in downtown by MacArthur Park. Way cool vampire goth apartment with a great view of the city though the party was dumb.

Sat 28 February
Stayed in working on script that is driving me crazy. May have written the cunnilingus scene today maybe not. Wrote the Mars Bar scene. Maybe today maybe not. The film opens with a Boho performance written the Greyhound bus summer of 1996. All scribble. Maybe it's called "suck my mania." Maybe we never see the title.

Sun 1 March
The day is blurry. All Sundays spent at school. When can't remember look in my book, my datebook which I do not have in front of me. Am mad at Ben for running away. Though it is all for the best, wish it could have happened differently. How is it that I can love someone & want him dead at the same time?

Mon 2 March
Slept through morning class due to 4:30 AM sound quitting time, then back to more sound tonight, miserable experience with computer. Panic over sound mix date of April 9th, did not go to Photoshop class. All these classes for what & why and what the fuck is going to happen to me? Every other day I want to off myself.

Tues 3 March
Have to move quicker on film. Believe that I am coming out of period of mourning for father & husband. Wonder if I will get any cash for Taco Bell wedding tape sent to America's Funniest Home Videos? Paid rent yesterday. Down to under $2000. This is the danger zone. No idea what's next. Almost in financial trouble. Please no panic. I did yesterday.

Weds 4 March
Split up the dialogue tracks. Nightmare every little bit. Making too many visiting artist posters for what I'm getting paid. Too many late nights @ Kinkos. Gave myself a work-study raise of two hours per week. Life is dull. Develop obsessions to pass time. This guy oiin German class last week sat at the piano & sight read Brahms & I wanted to fuck him crazy.

Thurs 5 March
This is a day spent on the flatbed, finishing up the flatbed. The sound there. Had my appointment with mix guy 2 weeks ago & have been working, tediously working too much of same stuff. Go to uneventful gallery openings and drink water instead of booze. Time to get my life back. Even a little alcohol brings me down. Though much fun fun fun?

Fri 6 March
Go to the Geffen with art school crit class. Simon is a great teacher & now @ the end of my art school career realize that if I'd had a teacher like him in Kansas City I would not have run away. His classes making me want to get smarter & to make art. Thought I would die today, but then I saw the guy in the pet store & knew I would live.

Sat 7 March
Waited for 2 hours to get into the sound room then stayed there until 2AM. Have cancelled the daily newspaper cause I never read it. Though refuse to throe away any unread papers they pile up. Take a lot of hot showers to stay warm. Susan wants me to come to Arizona in the fall to work on textbook. Says she'll hook me up with NYC gallery.

Sun 8 March
Three weeks have passed since I picked up this book- it has been sitting in the cabinet. Just got finished talking to myself in German for half an hour. I have a tutor for 1 hour every Tuesday. I sit at the computer and work on my sound. Mix one month away though possibly will get postponed. I'd like to get it over with - all of it.

Mon 9 March
Every day is full of lists in my datebook. Every day I'm busy. Seems like nothing happening. All weekend on ProTools with the sound. To go so far with a film then to not know if it's any good. I keep to myself. Many hours alone. Would like to have a job as I'm running out of cash fast. Have to finish me thesis.

Tues 10 March
Have managed to fill up my Jazz Disc with many hours of crap. Rich helps me throw it away. Writing a new script though not always time to work on it. Have been writing scenes on a yellow pad while in class then reworking on a laptop at home. My body tense and even when exhausted difficult to fall asleep at night.

Weds 11 March
Have an appointment with the therapist today and almost cry. Don't feel comfortable crying in his office as I did with my old psychoanalyst Grace. Maybe cause it's school and not so deep just survival. I talk about papers that were supposed to arrive about probating my father's will. I need to sign so everything goes to my mother.

Thurs 12 March
I work on the sound and it all trudges along. I have a meeting with Craig Baldwin who's here as a visiting artist and he trashes my film from the moment I push play on the VCR… Did not sleep enough either and this has me fried, on the edge and mentally fucked. Feeling trapped in tis project and this is exactly what I wanted to avoid at CalArts-the rush @ the end of school. All the complexities. No fun.

Fri 13 March
How everyday disappears I do not know. Have decided to trim my film down and this means that all of the sound work becomes virtually just a rough cut but this is okay. The whole thing will move faster. Feel at times that my teachers are not hard on me because my life is pathetic or because they like me. I used to feel it was because they trusted my vision.

Sat 14 March
Went to Naomi's tattoo show today. Am fairly relaxed as spent Friday night in bed relaxing and have been cleaning up the house abit- went through a stack of newspapers from February. There was a time many years ago (perhaps 15?) that these tattoo events would have been at least intriguing to me, but now this kind of "counterculture" feels so "over."

Sun 15 March
Today was my favorite kind of California day sunny & warm. Set up the Nagra III & record "wild sound" in the trailer park. The day is relaxing, I write another scene, then figure out what scenes to trim on my thesis. No telephone calls, visit with Andy for an hour. Had talked to my Mom on Friday night and she was crying from loneliness. I don't know how to help her.

Mon 16 March
Have spent the day crying them go back to school to 6pm class. Draw a lot of self-pitying type of words & images in my journal. Feel like way off-balance, perhaps this is all a part of the mourning process. Remember one night right before Ben went away, couldn't sleep- kept seeing my father's embalmed body. Felt like it was not okay to be crying when Ben so mentally sick.

Tues 17 March
Felt a lot better after going to class last night. Have gone back to the Steenbeck to chop my final cut. The transitions, the oppresssion. The film dragginig like my brain, my spirit, my fucked up head. Worked late, perhaps getting excited again. Not feeling as pathetic- perhaps my vision okay. Back on my own "unstable for schizophrenics" time schedule.

Weds 18 March
3/4" decks eats the Let the Punishment Fit the Child tape. The tech guy saves it. Switched sound mix dates. Go to therapy feeling like a loser and the therapist tries to "reframe" my life for me. Go to see visiting artist Carolee Schneeman at the Bijou. She's got an old hippy kind of vibe- somehow I'd been expecting she'd be one of those feminist/academia types.

Thurs 19 March
Appointments lectures then the flatbed flatbed, flat bed. Lonely some days, angry with Ben for not being more graceful with his leaving. He wanted to take me away from all that I know and love- perhaps there could have been a zillionth chance of that happening if he'd had more to offer. I HATE HIM.

Fri 20 March
Still in edit process. Back to the picture trim trim trim. Have to stop to work on thisi Whitney application. Talk to one of my teachers a bit-he'll try to help. Says they are way academic & a little stuffy maybe. Gives me some pointers. Show the First Date piece and this whole angst about my fucking in the video - anonymous fucking gone. I mean a lot of it must have been Ben's projection.

Sat 21 March
Write write write all day. Do I get anywhere? Do I have a breakthrough? Help Andy decorate his house for his party. Talk to Mary a bit about her boyfriend. And write write write. Feeling spirits rising. Head all twisted up reading post modern theory. Had forgotten about academic texts for awhile.

Sun 22 March
Fax a rough draft of my application to Berenice from Kinkos. Naomi & I pick up a birthday cake for Andy. Drink tequila & beer in the sunshine on a way empty stomach. Wear a bikini and a hoola outfit. Drink more tequila in the night. Jump in and out of the hot tub. Ask Adam's roommate Mr. X, who I'd seen before but never spoken to prior to this night, if he will join me. We go into the heated pool kissing, then my house fucking until late the next day. Bliss.

Mon 23 March
The best time in my life in a long time though not enough sleeping. Have to write today but go to the movies with Andy & Naomi first. Andy bought condoms for me & Mr. X @ the mobile station @ 3AM this morning. The usual guy was there & I felt embarrassed cause he knows I have been alone lately & used to have a husband. Mr. X is young & kinky.

Tues 24 March
Today is the day I'm writing. Berenice trashes the first draft of my application- well, the part that mentions feces and hippies. I leave that part for now and work on the second part. Stay up until 7AM this morning I think or something like that. Turn down an offer to go out & play with Mr. X cause I'm too much working. Didn't think the writing of the application would take this long.

Weds 25 March
Fried. Maybe today was the day working 'til 7AM. Maybe every day is that day. Almost finished & I need a break. Clean the house & talk on the phone a bit. Go off to school after stealing computer prints from Kinkos.Mr. X & I go to see Titanic, then he makes me an amazing dinner, talk TV & more fucking a little saner & more cautious.

Thurs 26 March
Dump a cup of coffee from the Mobil Station all over the console of van. Make it all the way to the trailer park turn before I lost it. Writing descriptions of pieces for possible show. Meet Deepika for lunch & Andy spots my van in a parking lot & joins us. Ah. The joys of the suburbs. Soon to be ending. Finish my writing tonight at last.

Fri 27 March
Send my package off to NY. Probably about a 20% chance of my getting it. How the cards fall is hoiw they fall. Perhaps will stay here, move into LA LA.. Work on Steenbeck almost finished. Watch a dumb movie "Mad Love" not knowing it is about a psycho-relationship. Cannot stay in this house angry @ Ben for never saying I'm sorry. At least Drew Barrymore did. Go back to school until 4AM.

Sat 28 March
Have coffee with Andy then run some errands buy some condoms. Try to buy mousetraps but Walmart all out. Go on psycho food run after many hours on Steenbeck feeling bezerk & scary like I used to know so well my first year here. Ate a smoky black bean burrito from El Pollo Loco. Coffee from Starbuck's and new picture almost locked.

Sun 29 March
Many problems sleeping. Perhaps one hour freezing too windy for gas heater. Wake up paranoid 4:30 or so dream like in unlocked/locked ward & picture on the TV monitor was simultaneously connected though not happening @ the same time. Dark sepia tones lose my voice as character loses his & I cannot scream. Clean house. Finally do laundry. Flashing film clips. Eat a 10mg. Valium

Mon 30 March
Drop off showcase submissions for Live Action & Experimental animation shows. Lots of xeroxing & paperwork chaos. Chicken out with "First Date" video then run into Andy later that day in film school office and he submits my fuck tape under the title "Hans the Dog Not My Own." Feeling punchy see Adam & Chris there. When I see them I feel a bit strange about my secret spring break fling with the young Mr. X. Like they know about it and what are they saying?

Tues 31 March
Everything accelerates. Fill out grant application in five minutes -panicking out of money. Call Jimmy's friend in LA for info on the valley's porn industry. Perhaps to direct some amateur stuff. Do I really want to do it? Freaking about film titles, flirting with Mr. X in the hallways at school. Get super stooned for the first time in years. Sit on a chair in Naomi's studio for over an hour for fear of moving. When I walked to the bathroom the halls were warped as if I was looking through a like a fisheye lens. The floor was a giant half-pipe slope and I kept slipping against the wall from the incline.

Weds 1 April
Have my shrink every Wednesday now- trying hard not to lose it. As the film winds down or as I move to only the sound edit, haunted by Ben. Perhaps an affair with a complete person not zombied on meds has been a re-awakening. Messing with my psyche a bit: object confusion, don't want to project, they have similar body types. I am lonely. Working on sound tonight Mr. X kisses me, I have to stay alone and work. Not going home with him is a choice.

Thurs 2 April
A choice that bugs me. I said no like I have to work on my sound right? I said no because I always said yes to Ben or perhaps I said no quite a bit, but still not enough for me. By saying no to Mr. X, I felt as if I had blown this whole affair like why not say yes to a kind of pleasure? Like I'd made a choice to stay with my work. I am in a state of despair. Have always lost the affair, the marriage to my own sick self-obsession with my work.

Fri 3 April
I mean he still calls me every night. Like last night when drunk and wanting me to come over. Though I would have felt like a whore? Making a house call? Yet of course I have been used to calling guys and having them just show up at my door. Am feeling intensely silly and desperate. Try to get the phone number of some guy I don't especially care about but offered to take me out in LA. I call Tom and tell him I am desperate.

coming soon: BOOK 2 "KEROPPI"